There is a Gap…
It is wide enough and long enough.
It sits inside my head, dividing portions of my brain in non-linear ways. There are no two sides, because one synaptic leap is all it takes to bridge it and I am made up a millions. Billions. Trillions at a time.
But this gap exists. I dare not call it a chasm, because I’m scared of heights and I don’t think I could call it a pit, because it suggests a bottom to wallow in. It’s a gap, because it isn’t the depth that scares me, but the content and the distance.
The Content: As humans, we throw a myriad of things into the back of our mind. Have a part of the brain that is responsible for this technique; the Amygdala which recesses emotional states into a distant part of the mentalscape so we can concentrate on removing the stressful situation, circumstance or object.
Where do these things go, though? I have trouble departing or eliminating things from my own mind, giving them near tangible quality every time they become apparent to me. Rather, every time I am conscious of their existence. Like understanding that anger is some grim faced other me hiding in the dark parts, down imagination alleys with shivs and stereotypes.
Or the resentment goblin that hunkers behind impenetrable barriers of ancient memory, I’ve forgotten and can’t define for their invulnerable ambiguity.
Or the inept cloud that circumnavigates every idea and thought posed around creativity and progress, that makes the visible end a fugue. A non-existent noun.
This gap is where I throw them when my Amygdala activates. It is a smooth edged, sloping curve down past pink and grey brain tissue, as if someone had pushed a spatula edge into the soft loam of it all and left behind an impression.
Everytime the brain asserts something that I want, I have to jump the gap. No matter the content or the context, even if it’s a question or a thought or a creative endeavor or a cookie. I have to jump the gap because that’s where the Content is that I threw away and there is no evaporation in here with me. Nothing is ever vaporized, everything stays as is, until you breathe it out into the air.
Until you let it go.
The Distance: The Gap is wider in certain places than in others. Depending on what I’m reaching for and want, it could be as thin as a trickling stream hugging a stone curb because the neighbours left their hose running while they went to answer the phone.
It could be as wide as the traffic jam from downtown to home, that’s stopped up the buses and left me thinking 12KM walking is better than an hour of waiting stuck between ‘Smells like Cheetos’ and ‘Too much Chanel 5’ on the number 502.
It always varies, that distance and sometimes, I admit, I look at that distance and think to myself
"Not today. Maybe not ever."
And find myself wanting on the wrong side of the gap.
And don’t mistake my intent. The gap always needs to be jumped because the thing you’re reaching for is always on the side that you aren’t on.
Love sits a question away, waiting at a coffee shop table for you to pop over, excuse the interruption and ask what she’s reading.
(That’s a big one. I would need wings.)
Lust is a great pair of hips and a dancefloor and the smile she makes into a suggestion that is innocent and without concern and all you have to do is keep your eye on her while you go swimming through the hundred writhing bodies between you.
(James bond grappling hooks and winch system and a Parachute…because the Cloud keeps whispering that the fall is inevitable)
Adventure is a dark path off the main one, most others are eager to explore and a hand held back asking a question, wondering if I’ll come along just to see what happens and I hesitate. I know the thousand things that could go wrong with this scenario.
(Parkour and maybe there’s a notch or a knothole on that smooth edge, where I can get a grip)
Warmth is a friendly face showing concern and a hand on your back noticing the vague disquiet in the otherwise unremarkable calm I show the rest of the world and the answer to that brief hesitant smile they flash that says…
(Strong legs. A quick push. Steel nerves and maybe a breath I refuse to let go…)
Joy is the struggle someone old or infirm is having with something and the immediate urgency and knot that tugs on my insides that I need to get rid of. An ugly little discrepency that occurs and has to be fixed so I hold their bags, while they close the gate. Hold the door while they push the stroller inside or outside. Hold their hand on my arm while cars sit honking and terrifying, for the five spare seconds it takes us to cross the street.
(I have to go looking for these manhole moments. Brief but satisfying…)
There is a Gap in my mind. In yours too. It sits there filling up with all the things you throw back there, when you don’t want to think about them briefly. It sits there waiting for you to come and pick it up and hear it out and work it over until it’s nothing anymore and when you don’t…it slips quietly and unknowingly into that gap where all things go to…
You have to Jump the Gap every time you want something. Every. Single. Time. Whatever it is that you want, be it an Answer, a Lover, a Question, Some Peace, Some Patience, Some Health, A Quiet Night in, Some Company…
Sometimes it’s too wide and you’re scared.
Sometimes it’s so far you can’t even see the other side, just the bright blink of the Desire you want so badly.
And sometimes it’s this tiny little leap that you know wouldn’t be bad at all, but you’re too busy looking at the fall and the dark and all the things you threw down there ages ago that you think might be too late to do anything about
(You’d be wrong, by the by)
That you miss how small that Jump is. How easy that leap is.
Do me a Favour.
Mind the Gap.
Because your mind is so much more infinite, omnipotent, tumultuous and terrible than any sort of distance or content could hope to match. You’ve got wings, claws, teeth and Hulk Smash sensibilities each time you jump.
Mind the Gap.